Marital Expectations

Cindy and Mark married in early spring in a beautiful lakeside ceremony and reception. However, shortly after returning from the honeymoon, they realized that they had not taken enough time to get to know each other. They met four months earlier on an online dating site, but lived 350 miles apart. So wanting to avoid the challenges of a long distance relationship, they decided to marry, move in together and get to know each other that way. The blinders came off week by week as Mark discovered that some of Cindy’s values, opinions, goals and needs were a lot different from his, and from what he’d expected. Cindy noticed this as well, and before they knew it, both were considering splitting up. Is it surprising?   

 In a time when more than fifty percent of marriages are ending in divorce, newlyweds are still confident that their marriages will last. In a Clark University Poll of Emerging Adults study, it was revealed that eighty-six percent of people surveyed between the ages of 18-29, both single and married expected to have a lifelong marriage. This view has a lot to do with a romanticized perspective on marriage that many young people have. Yet feelings of infatuation are difficult to sustain when combined with the responsibilities and stresses of childrearing, work, family, finances and unforeseen events. It is when both partners experience an increase in unmet expectations that they often conclude that they no longer love each other, and start taking steps to end the relationship.

 As a Christian therapist in my work with premarital couples, I help them to verbalize their needs and expectations upfront. In this way, there are fewer surprises after the ceremony. Communication around these issues is taught and modeled, and values are clarified. Partners are encouraged to prayerfully commit their perspectives to Christ for His truth.